These were all reviews from a section I Called 'Albums That Suck'
'BAT OUT OF HELL' Meatloaf (1977) Yes it's back again! Already ridiculed elsewhere on this site, 'Bat Out Of Hell' makes a well-deserved appearence here. When it comes to making duff albums, Meatloaf is known as 'The Guvnor'. Check out these impressive stats for further proof: Loads of albums and only three half-decent tracks. (I'm in a good mood). If you have unwanted visitors to your house, bang this album on and you'll clear the building within ten seconds flat. It's a shame really because the man has a good voice, no really! It's just that he seems to get the material wrong time and time again, he should stick to singing ballads not bollocks. "So what's the best Meatloaf album?" I hear you cry. Forget it mate, there isn't one. Quite possibly the most over-rated album of all-time.
'TELEKON' Gary Numan (1980) Flying (or should that be crashing?) hot on the fat, sweaty heels of Meatloaf, is the rug-wearing, plane crashing, 70's posing popster Gary Numan. Made famous in 1979 by the horrendous single 'Are Friends Electric', Gary continues to release albums that are not only uninteresting, but uninteresting on a staggering level, all his albums display no vocal range or musical diversion whatsoever. At least he's consistent. In fact, Numan's albums are rumoured to be regularly prescribed by many doctors as a cure for insomnia. It works. Let's hope we never see the day when Numan and Meatloaf get together and release a duet. Crash landing on a Motorway near you, Ladies and Gentlemen I give you - Gary Numan!
'BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN' Rod Stewart (1978) Whenever anyone is compiling a list of duff albums, Rod Stewart is guaranteed a couple or ten entries. Whilst it may be true that blondes have more fun, I personally would have more fun watching paint dry than listening to this sorry drivel. After a promising couple of early albums such as 'Gasoline Alley' and 'Every Picture Tells A Story', Rod seemed to see himself as some sort of pop love-god spreading the shagging message through a succession of suggestive and cringe-inducing singles and albums. 'Blondes Have More Fun' was the height of musical nausea. 'Do You Think I'm Sexy?' Er...no not really Rod, not by any stretch of the imagination. Now, where did I put that tin of paint? Ah yes, it's over there next to the sick bucket.
'SLOW FLUX' Steppenwolf (1976) Have you noticed the fact that when people mention Steppenwolf, they always mention the single 'Born To Be Wild'. This is because Steppenwolf haven't done anything else that anyone can remember. Go on, try it - apart from 'Born To Be Wild', name another Steppenwolf single. It's hard isn't it? This band made their career on the back of one below average single so how did they get away with it for so long? The album chosen here is not being singled out as their worst album, even though it is particularly nasty. No, in fact they're all bad. The entire Steppenwolf back-catalogue is rumoured to be very popular in torture chambers all over the uncivilised world.
'I'M BREATHLESS' Madonna (1990) This soundtrack album to the truly awful cinematic flop 'Dick Tracy' - in which Madonna actually starred alongside the equally awful Warren Beatty - would be more aptly titled 'I'm Clueless'. Trying to listen to this dire album from beginning to end is an excrutiatingly painful experience, so don't even go there. Can this really be from the same woman that gave us albums such as 'Like A Prayer' through to 'Ray Of Light'? Yup, it sure is. Madge can be forgiven though as this is the only blip on an otherwise remarkable recording career thus far. She is still far and away the Queen of Pop, without question. In summary then, this is horrendous. But having said that, it is still ten times better than anything by Mariah Carey or Celine Dion.
'HOUSES OF THE HOLY' Led Zeppelin (1973) "What the hell is this?" was the cry from the legions of Zeppelin fans as the eagerly-awaited follow-up album to 'Led Zeppelin 4' turned out to be a complete washout. Throughout most of the entire album, vocalist Robert Plant sounds like he's singing with his head in a bucket. It's not the songs that are the real duffers here, it's the weak production that's at fault. When I first played this album I thought that there was something wrong with my stereo, listen to the track 'The Song Remains The Same' and see what I mean - it's weak and wimpy lightweight rock aimed at an American West-Coast audience. Luckily all was not lost as the Zepsters redeemed themselves by following this sorry bilge with the quite wonderful 'Physical Graffiti'.
'NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC - 1990' Various (1990) Not only did this album mark the end of a decade of some truly wonderful pop music and the beginning of a new decade, it also marked the total decline of the music charts as an indicator of peoples music buying habits and taste. It was here that common sense flew out of the musical window at break-neck speed. It also marked an influx of more 'novelty' records and 'one-hit-wonders' to the charts than ever before. As proof, just look at some of the trash that entered the charts in the years following this album: NKOTB; Kylie Minogue; Partners In Kryme; Bombalurina; The Simpsons; Right Said Fred; Take That; Whigfield; East 17; Robson And Jerome; Mr Blobby; Boyz II Men; Spice Girls; Boyzone; Peter Andre; anything by Cliff Richard etc. etc. An important landmark album because it sucks on so many different levels. I rest my case.
'RUBYCON' Tangerine Dream (1975) A hideously tedious album from the German band regarded by many (especially the band themselves) as Krautrock's answer to Pink Floyd. They should be so lucky! After listening to this for 5 minutes, you'll begin to wonder why you actually bothered in the first place. It is rumoured that later copies of this album actually carried a health warning on the sleeve, it's that bad. The music of Tangerine Dream has been described as 'ambient', to be honest I've heard more interesting ambience whilst sat in a traffic queue on the M1 southbound. All told, Tangerine Dream released some 30 albums whilst together as a band, not one of them is any good. Forget this album, forget them. "Tangerine who?"
'CANDY-O' The Cars (1979) The eagerly awaited follow up to their magnificent debut album 'The Cars', this effort proved to be nothing more than watered down, wishy washy bubblegum pop. I can only assume that when this album was recorded, the mixing desk had some sort of serious electrical failure. It is completely lacking in Bass and Treble and fiddling around with your stereo won't help matters either. The albums only interesting feature is of course the cover, and even then it looks as if the featured model is either asleep or in a coma, she must have heard this album. As a very sad footnote, Cars Bassist/Vocalist Benjamin Orr sadly died in October 2000. Therefore, avoid this rubbish and buy their debut album as a fitting tribute to his memory, he never sounded so good.
'TANX' T. Rex (1973) Coming straight after enormous singles chart sales, this album marked the turning point in the career of T Rex. Up until this album they had enormous single chart success with the likes of 'Ride A White Swan', 'Hot Love', 'Get It On', 'Jeepster', 'Telegram Sam', 'Metal Guru', 'Children Of The Revolution', 'Solid Gold Easy Action', '20th Century Boy' and 'The Groover' - all top ten, big selling, hit singles. So what then was the reason for releasing this confused, mixed up, odd, weird, incomprehensible ragbag of oddments? Who knows, but it was obvious from this offering that the magic had sadly gone. Sure, there had always been the odd material - especially some of the weird earlier stuff - but this album is just totally unlistenable and complete and utter rubbish. Not a very good representation of the T Rex 'glam rock' glory years at all.
'COME ON OVER' Shania Twain (1999) Despite selling over 18 million copies worldwide and becoming the biggest selling album by a female artist, this just don't impress me much. Listen carefully to the voice...nothing special is it? I reckon Nashville is full of singers who are as good as, if not far better than, Shania Twain. She must surely have been cringeing whilst singing the likes of 'Man! I Feel Like A Woman!' and the truly embarrassing 'Don't Be Stupid', I know I was. If you are a line-dancing pensioner, then this is the album for you. The production by her hubby, Robert John 'Mutt' Lange, is totally predictable and has been done many, many times before with every other band that he has ever worked with. Indeed, on any given track you can hear the familiar - but here watered down - drum beats and the chugging, jangly guitar bits of AC/DC, Def Leppard, Bryan Adams and Foreigner. Buy their albums instead and heed the warning - don't be stupid.
'SPICE' The Spice Girls (1996) You just knew that this would be here didn't you? But it's not here because the album is bad, no. In fact 'Spice' is a slick, well produced and very typical 90's pop album full of forgettable hit's and tunes that all sound exactly the same. I only singled out The Spice Girls mainly because they seemingly opened the floodgates for loads of other hollow, cute, plastic, talentless 'Girl/Boy Bands' to emerge. It's not the album that sucks here, it's the 'get rich quick and piss off quicker' concept that really sucks. Mediocre stuff like this is manufactured in minutes on production lines in studios all over the world and churned out day after day after day with only one sole purpose in mind - to prise as much pocket money as possible, from as many pre-pubescent kiddies as possible. The sad part is that it works every time. So although I used The Spice Girls as the perfect example of this shallow concept, exactly the same applies to the likes of Boyzone, Westlife, B*Witched, Another Level, N-Sync, Steps, S Club 7, Vengaboys, 5ive, Backstreet Boys, etc. etc. etc......
